There are positive and more creative ways of responding to and confronting behavior that disturbs or is offensive to us. The goal of our response is not to punish the other person for the behavior, but to enhance the possibility of changing or modifying his/her behavior. In order for this to happen, you may need to change the way you act or respond. There are three important parts to remember as you plan your response:

I. Claim responsibility for your own feelings.

Instead of blaming others, your internal response is one of ill-at-ease. You feel angry, hurt, irritated or frustrated. Send an "I" message instead of a ‘You" message, for example, "I am angry," rather than ‘You make me angry." By accepting responsibility for your own feelings, you can control yourself.

2. Accurately describe how the behavior of the other person affects you.

Rather than labeling or calling another person’s motives into question, attempt to describe accurately how his/her behavior is upsetting to you. In other words, when they can see exactly what they are doing, without the burden of guilt or emotion, they may more easily understand why their behavior is unacceptable or inappropriate. Make it clear why it is troublesome.

3. Explain how the behavior is hurting the group.

This explanation is more than being something "I just don’t like." It should be tangible like time, money, energy. If this is done, the other person will be able to see how their behavior is damaging. This becomes a check on you to figure out why you feel you (or the group) are being hurt by such behavior.

I. "When you (describe the behavior) .

2. "I feel (describe your feelings) . . .

3. "Because (state the reasons) . . .

Next time you find yourself giving a "you always," "you never," you want" message. Try to rephrase it using the three-step process described.
 

Directions: Please place a "5" (most likely), a"4" (next most likely), to "1" (least likely) next to the courses of action you would take under each of the four cases below. Answer from what you would most likely do if you were the person described in the situation.
 

Case One

Pete is the lead teacher of a five-teacher middle school teaching team. Recently he has noticed that Sarah, a teacher from across the hall, has been dropping in on Linda, the reading teacher in Pete’s team, almost every fifth period to borrow something and chat a few minutes. It’s only for a short time but class noise and attention appear to be worsening. Others on the team seem to have some resentment of the minor intrusion. If you were Pete, you would:

____	a. Talk to Linda and tell her to limit conversations to break periods.
____	b. Ask the principal to tell the other team to keep their teachers in their own classrooms.
____	c. Confront both teachers the next time you see them together, find out what they are up to, and inform them of the problem as you see it.
____	d. Say nothing now; it would be silly to make a big deal out of a few minutes.
____	e. Try to keep the rest of the team at ease; it is important that they all work well together.

Case Two

Ralph is head of the new computerized management system. His department consists of a state-of-the-art computer system and a staff of five. The work is exacting. Inattention or improper procedures could create costly damage to the system, bad output or a serious breach of confidential information. Ralph suspects that Jim is drinking too much, maybe even on the job, but at least appearing to be a bit "high." Ralph feels that he has some strong indications, but he knows he does not have a "case." If you were Ralph, you would:

____	a. Confront Jim outright, tell him what you suspect and why, and that you are concerned for him and for the operation of the department.
____	b. Ask Jim to keep his habit off the job; what he does on the job is part of your business.
____	c. Not confront Jim right now; it might either turn him off the job or drive his drinking further underground.
____	d. Tell Jim it is illegal and that if he gets caught you will do everything you can to see that the man is fired.
____	e. Keep a close eye on Jim to see that he is not causing serious mistakes.

Case Three

Sally is the district curriculum specialist and has been appointed by the superintendent to gather data for teaching improvement. On separate occasions, two teachers on the committee have come to her with different suggestions for reporting test results. Since the superintendent will see the progress the teams are making, Paul wants to send the test results directly to the superintendent and then to the teaching teams. Jim thinks the results should go directly to the teaching teams so they can take corrective action right away. Both ideas seem good, the superintendent has been extremely busy completing this project and there is no specific procedure for routing the reports. If you were Sally, you would:

____	a. Decide who is right and ask the other person to go along with the decision.
____	b. Wait and see; the best solution will become apparent.
____	c. Tell both Paul and Jim not to get uptight about their disagreement. It is not that important.
____	d. Get Paul and Jim together and examine both of their ideas closely for the best approach.
____	e. Send the data to the superintendent, with a copy to the lead teachers (although it's a lot more work for staff and will be more expensive).

Case Four

Jean is president of the PTA. From time to time in the past, the school council and the staff have "tapped" the PTA for volunteers to augment several projects. This has not been a problem since parents have been very willing to cooperate. Lately, however, there is an almost constant demand for volunteers to help on various new projects. Many parents are no longer available and the rest of the "real workers" must now make up for the shortage. Parents are beginning to complain that they are being used. If you were Jean, you would:

____	a. Let it go for now; the extra projects will be over soon.
____	b. Try to smooth things over with the volunteers, and with the council and principal. Everyone is doing this for the kids, after all. We cannot afford a conflict.
____	c. Tell the council and the staff they can each have only two volunteers.
____	d. Go the principal and council chair and talk about how these demands for additional help could best be met without overloading the volunteers.
____	e. Go to the council chair and get him to call off or postpone the council's projects.

When faced with a controversy, we often rely on an "instinctive" approach that reflects our attitudes and behavior. From our background and experiences, most of us have developed an approach that we prefer and with which we are most comfortable as we face potential conflict situations. Two issues are at stake, however, in group conflict situations.

The values we assign to these two issues determine our preferred strategy of dealing with conflict. We can approach a potential conflict situation with five possible methods.

When using this method, the need for confrontation is high to accomplish goals and establish or maintain one’s status, but low in its need to maintain harmonious feelings and smooth working relationships. This style is assertive, aggressive, and competitive. This is a win-lose situation. People using this approach often feel they have moral certitude to their position. "I am the boss. Just do it!"

Most people view this as an approach that other people use, not them. Since more people rely on a muscle approach, however, it may be an unknowing personal choice.

Harmonizing is the opposite of using muscle. Here, the concern of people, feelings, and smooth working relationships is high, while the need to accomplish goals and maintain status is low. This style is one of accommodating, giving in, and acquiescing to preserve relationships while resolving the conflict, at least temporarily. Sometimes we say "agreeing to disagree" or "peaceful coexistence." Usually it means that we quietly sweep the issue under the rug and hope it stays there. (It rarely does.)

Bargaining, or negotiation is about equal in its need to maintain harmony in relationships and to accomplish goals. It is a "middle ground," aimed at achieving compromise in order to resolve conflict.

This is used when pressure to win is not too great, and the parties find it possible to work out an equitable bargain or "split the difference." In this situation there is no loser, but no winner, either.

Avoiding, or withdrawal is the other end of the muscle approach. It is low on both the need to maintain relationships and the need to accomplish goals. This approach is aimed at not becoming involved with conflict and the strong feelings it may generate. Retreat is usually a temporary solution.

Solving problems through the collaboration of people and groups attempting to reach consensus on issues is high both on the need to maintain relationships and the need to accomplish goals. It is aimed at finding a new set of goals incorporating ideas and concerns of both parties which leads to growth in the working relationship. This style stresses working together for a mutual solution to conflicts.

Facing the issues together, all parties need a strong commitment to finding a solution to which all can agree. This approach requires a high investment of energy with no guarantee that the problem can be solved effectively. It is the most positive approach, however, which engenders trust. Its success makes a greater potential for using this approach in future conflict situations.

Each of these approaches has its own advantages and disadvantages, its strengths and weaknesses. In itself, no one style is "better" than another. However, each approach has a different thrust and different consequences. Constructive conflict management calls for the ability to read the situation and apply the best strategy.

Different stages of conflict may call for different approaches. In the initial stages of bargaining, for example, both parties are likely to use muscle to establish the issues in which they are most interested. Later, as bargaining continues, each party must assume a negotiating style if a compromise is to be reached. If the parties can develop a mutual trust, the problem solving approach of collaboration is best for the long term.
 

Directions: For each case write the number you placed next to each letter.

The column with the highest number shows your preferred method of resolving conflict in these type of situations.

Case	Insert Ranking For Each Letter
One	d.	e.	a.	b.	c.
Two	c.	e.	b.	d.	a.
Three	b.	c.	e.	a.	d.
Four	a.	b.	c.	e.	d.
Totals
Style	Retreat	Reconciliation	Harmony	Muscle	Collaboration